Free Sex

FREE.

Don’t we all love that word?

 I don’t care how much money you have in the bank, but that word is like an oasis in the desert for everybody, especially if the freebie is something you like and want to have. You would be willing to pay for it or work for it but you will try to have it free first, and by god if it should turn out to be free; you would have hit the jackpot.

The word free is one of the many reasons men just refuse to settle down or curb their enthusiasm or “dick-it” with respect. Women are so busy trying to please men that we think we can change a man from his “loose” ways.  Nothing tastes juicier and looks better than anything labeled as free in our minds, sex included. Yes I said it.

Free sex.  Free of charge, no strings attached. Nothing beats free sex. Ask any man or woman, they will tell you even if they don’t practice it.

Lately I hear a lot of men who say they are not looking to be in a relationship because of all the drama that comes without (somebody has told men that when they are being held accountable for their wrongs and being called out it’s called DRAMA).They just want to hit and keep hitting it for as long as they can. They do not want to be in a position whereby they are being questioned about their whereabouts and who they are "partying" it up with. They do not want to be held accountable for their sluttish ways.

Ladies, Divas, gents and shims, and whatever else falls in between, this right here is what we call a man-whore. I would call it a dog but even a dog has some level of respect for a bitch.

This is the type of man who wants to do women what they are told they can’t do to men and if they do; they are called names from here to Timbuktu.

He wants to hit it FOR FREE. They come up with fancy names to dress this up every day but let’s face it; nothing in this world is free except for the grace of God. Everything has a price tag, whether it’s emotional, spiritual, sexual or financial. Everything has a PRICE.

I understand that sometimes you just need an itch to be scratched without any pillow talk or talk of marriage, just be in and out like a flash.

All I want to know is which woman wants to be treated like a piece of meat or toilet for a man? If he is willing to lay up in you and do his business, why can’t he keep the toilet fresh and clean? Oh yeah, I forgot the issue of the big bad C (commitment). What is so hard about faithful and responsible, that’s what it boils down to anyway. A man-whore wants to have his chocolate cake, chuck it in the fridge, go out to cookie hunt and come home to find that chocolate cake in the fridge still fresh, tasty and ready to be eaten. Its common sense, any woman will put you through hell if you try that with her. So there, a man-whore has created the DRAMA that he sets out to avoid in the beginning.

Now, I am not completely mad at these men who behave like this. Some of y’all Divas out there who make these loose men believe they can have it like that.

Don’t get mad, it is what it is.

Some women out there are satisfied being treated as rags and play things for men who have no intention of being sincere, who will only hang around as long as he’s “slicing”. If a woman is also in it for the scratch then it’s on them both.

It’s natural that a woman will kick and fight if she feels dogged out, so for a man to go out and want to do something he knows the lady he is with will not like and still expect her to look the other way is ridiculous. The men who go out of their way to avoid “drama’ turn around and lays the foundations of “drama”. So already he can’t have a relationship.

Most women get into these kind of arrangements just because they are lonely and believe that a man will grow feelings for you if you lay down and spread your legs, well I got news for you girl…he likes your body not what’s in your mind or coming out of your mouth.

It’s human nature to look out for what’s in it for you. And that is exactly what these men are doing. They are using their natural born animalistic traits to exploit women. Women are so busy trying to fit in and be equals that the very values that make us a special breed are being taken for granted for and we don’t even notice it.

Divas, if a man tells you from the get go that he is just passing time, kicking it, isn’t looking to get serious, take that as the truth. Do not try to change this statement to “if you do things right and you bend over whenever I want or spend time with me when I want you might get a ring on your finger”.

Nope. That is not what he said. He said he is just kicking it. Should he change, this will be because he felt the reason to change his ways and he might change and still leave you.

I even prefer the men who don’t make any statements, the type that will just go with the flow, if it work; Great. And if it doesn’t; we move on.

Let it be heard that a person (man or woman) will never change because of another human being unless they yearn for the change. We may be able to influence change in others but certainly never change them.

I know what I’m saying, I’ve been there, tried, experimented, lied to myself and others and sadly at the end, when it’s all said and done. Change comes to those who will it.

 Not because you learnt how to work a pole just to keep him from hitting the strip club. He will leave you and that pole at home and go hunting at the strip club.

You feel me.

So the next time he steps to you talking about no strings attached and you are not really feeling that; you need to tell him to visit the nearest brothel or corner. This isn’t a free for all red light district baby.

DiamondDiva

Coconutism

I do not believe I have ever felt so out of place as I did this past few days. I have questioned myself on things that I never used to occupy my beautiful mind with. Matters that did not matter simply because those around me never brought them up or they were never bothered by them.

I have dealt with similar issues or rather utterances in the past but I just usually brushed them off as a nothing, laughed it off.

For a long time, it never crossed my mind that I was a coconut contestant, LOL. My long time friends speak just like me, my colleagues have never said anything and we sound alike, my family look just like they did when I was 7 years old. The next person’s English accent has never bothered me. And I can speak my native tongue just as good. Y’all better ask somebody.

This time it is different because I guess the people who said it to me are good friends and for me to find out that this is what they think of me was a welcome shock. I did not take it in a negative way, they are still in my circle *smile* instead, their statements or comments have made me embrace a part of me. I’m falling in love all over again with this part of me.

 I have always wondered what the term coconut or Oreo really truly means.

That is if it means anything.

 Well it depends on who and how they say it. I have issues being called names and the term model c has always bothered me too. I have never been directly or seriously called a model c because most of the people I’m around are also called model c by others.

What is a model C? From my understanding, a model c is a person who has received private school education, dresses well, speaks English fluently most of the time as opposed to their native language, hangs out at fine restaurants and is willing or doesn’t mind to pay R3 extra for anything…oh and tips well too.

This just sounds like a reasonable human being right? Well not in the eyes of other people who have, in most cases, had an upbringing they see to be less glam than that of a model c child. But little do they know. You look at a person and think they are made, they have it “easy”. The truth is you do not know their story, there is history behind every person who makes living seem so easy…they went through the process, they did the work so eventually their entire life will look easy and comfortable.

Some have no idea how it feels to be the only black face at a dinner table; with time you get comfortable with it. They have no idea how it feels to go head on with a red neck in a debate. They have no clue how you dealt with classmates who thought they were more superior than you are simply because you are black. They were not there when you missed all the hip parties because you were putting in the hours at school. They were not there when you finally graduated from college and you got that job and now you finally made partner at your law firm and people are quick to play the race. And you (coconut) handled this every day. So they say you turned white on the inside because you have no time to pity anyone, white or black.

Is it not a “black” thing to do, to go to school, work hard, speak English fluently, graduate top of your class, get a better than decent job, get a great salary, dress well and like all the fancy things you can get?

All this is living in my eyes. Living just like Tom across the road would live given the opportunity.

If this isn’t living then what is?

So because you can live and strive and set goals you are not black? Or because you speak in a certain way you can’t be black? Because your thinking goes beyond today and you voice your opinion any chance you get?

Is this the basis on which a “coconut” is judged?

If it is, I’m the newest member of the coconuts club.

This is exactly why most coconuts tend to hang around people who received the same education as they did, why they choose to hang out with Jen and Matthew rather than Thandi and Sbhamu. Jen and Matthew may pass pre-judgments from time to time based on what a coconut says and it passes because  all parties look beyond it ( mostly). Thandi and Sbhamu will ask you why you speak that way. Why are you dressed like that , how come your other friend has a blackberry and they don’t and when it really goes bad, they will bring out the race card and how you think you are better because of your model c education?

Get my point.

I’ll be the first one to admit that you have people who make you stop and wonder if they were raised right but not raised black or white. Some kids what to be white so bad, they’ll change who they are. I understand them. Most darkies are content living a mess and calling it ‘black living’.

If you want to be a hot mess, go right ahead but don’t you dare say this is what ‘we’ black people do. Who’s we?? There’s you and there’s me. It’s our lifestyles that differ.

Yes there are many things black people have in common, we are all one skin color, we believe sparing the rod spoils the child, we all know what public transport is, that old sack of oranges we’ve all seen and perhaps used, we all know what 750 means without getting technical, we all know what shisa nyama  is ,at some point in our lives we have been forced to attend church, we know how to say, “ please, may I, you are welcome and thank you”, we know nothing is for free although we all love freebies and discounts, we have all received our fair share of beatings and we are not afraid to whoop ass in public.

With all that said, I refuse to apologize for my upbringing, it wasn’t glam but I was taught to work hard, I chose books over booze. I will not apologize for my education firstly because I am not the one who paid for it and secondly because I am the one who wrote that entrance exam at UWCSA and I passed it, it was my brains. But here is what I will do, I will thank God for my brains, I will thank God for allowing me to walk in a path where I have been fortunate enough to meet and experience people from all walks of life, I will thank God for the hardships of being a coconut because they make me look past the skin color and English accent of a person very often, I will thank god for a family that supported me and wanted only the best for their baby girl, thank God my parents were grounded enough to raise me as a black child but give me white man education, my upper class friends who not once judged me by which side of town I come from, in fact they accept me for who I am and wouldn’t change a thing about me. It is my upper class friends who support me in my initiative to better those less fortunate than me.

And all the coconuts said Amen.

Embrace it.

Hi my name is Zethu and I am coconut.

DiamondDiva

Educated partner

This week has been extremely crazy with loaded with many insightful and sometimes funny discussions.

Divas out there are just crazy. There is not enough space on one paper to fill up everything I have heard and thought of. I love having these talks with friends but mainly random strangers because sometimes friends are afraid to share their inner most feelings about certain subjects.

I realized that the issue of education is often not thought about until you find yourself in that situation. I also learnt that women do a lot of compromising in most situations, just as some men do, but I cannot speak from the male point of view.

I once met a man any woman would die to have, he had a great job, well educated, well spoken and travelled and yet he was as humble as pie. He wasn’t so great in the looks department but he would make up for that at the dinner table…you know when you bring him around your people and they try to poke at his brains and he just simply dazzles them? *wink*

This man asked me asked me so many questions it felt like a job interview. This man wanted to know how far my education had gone, what jobs I had held in the past, what my views were on many issues, wanted to know if I watched the news too and if I exercised in anyway besides between the sheets. He also wanted to know what my plans were career wise, for the next 5years. I didn’t understand what the point of this was back then. I walked away feeling like he really wasn’t interested in me but more interested in what’s in it for me if he decides that we are fit to be together. But looking back, I have more understanding. Here was a man who was beyond the words well educated, well mannered, principles, set his standards high, looked after himself and yes had everything money could buy. And all he wanted to know was if I was on the same page with him…if not financially at least in education. His minimum requirement was a college degree.

He calmly explained that, he needed a woman who could mentally challenge him yet be woman enough to take the pressure of his job off his mind. He needed someone who could take care of herself, keep herself engaged, someone who had goals and didn’t mind working towards meeting them. He said even if the woman he is with is unemployed, if she has a college degree, finding her a job wouldn’t be a problem. He didn’t just need a beautiful woman, he needed an all-rounder. He told me, he could have any woman he pleased but many failed to meet his standards so he didn’t see why he should lower his to meet theirs. Being his woman meant you have to be an individual before you are his partner. This gem is rare, a man who wants his woman to shine so he can shine.

Most women will not stop to think if a man is less educated than us.

 I don’t think the thought crosses our minds if the suitor is less educated or not. I think matter of “well-educated” has been an issue for the upper-class mostly, where the parents will ask if the person their son/daughter is dating has the same financial background or is at least well educated with good job prospects for the future.

 Our social circle also determines this, for example, if you are a college student: you find that you will hang around more with others who are in college or perhaps those who have started working. The assumption is that you will most probably date within that same circle. Right? This excludes the girls that are attracted to the men who largely just laze about with nothing to do all day- don’t get mad ladies, we know some of y’all get down like that.

So it is a safe assumption that when a woman meets a guy who has what other would term a decent job she will think he has some level of education that goes beyond high school. For a long time the minimum requirement for any job has been a high school diploma. And for a long time our grandmothers where comfortable with us dragging back men who were only educated up to high school level .Oh how times have changed.

So what happens when you find yourself as a woman dating or falling for a man who has a decent job yet never even completed the minimum requirement for employment?

You are wondering how? Well, in some countries the nationals (citizens) are allowed to hold jobs in public service like the army, police force, fire fighters etc without a high school degree. The only way they differentiate between the levels of education within these organizations is through how high your level of education is. And let’s face it, in these countries the service men are paid quite fairly compared to other places on earth.

Many women believe it is only a man who can dictate these terms of education. But we are dealing with a new breed of woman, a woman who will not settle for less when she can have gold. A woman who has set her standards and refuses to lower them. Of course there are exceptional situations where the being of a man simply outweighs his level of education. There is nothing wrong, as a woman, to say that you prefer to date men who are as educated as you are or slightly above you. Just like it’s easy for other woman to say they will only date men with jobs.

I argue that it’s important to date somebody who has been through college at least, because in most cases the mentality and school of thought will differ greatly from the man who has not gone through the process of school. You may not always agree on the same issues because many factors besides education come to play in a relationship. A long time friend once said to me that school is not so much as important as what they are teaching you, it’s the discipline and thought process that they are nurturing that is more important. I have found this to be true. Yes we have educated hooligans but more often than not you find them in suits being playground bullies in the board room.

So all my beautiful friends, readers, foes and all. It is ok to tell a man or woman that the minimum requirement is this or that. Set your standards high, when you set your own standards nobody can set them for you. And do not lower them for anybody unless you deem absolutely necessary. It may sound cold and heartless or gold digging to others but as for me, I would rather be stuck with an educated fool than one who isn’t. It’s just one less thing to feel insecure about.

With that said… the ball game is different for cougars *wink*.

DiamondDiva