DAMAGED-PUBLISHED

I fell in love once. I was like a little

girl in a candy store, you couldn’t

tell me nothing. I saw the world in

colour-bright and warm. I was like

a platinum visa card that had no

limit; I was an astronaut on a tour

of space. Suddenly my dreams

where within reach! I had no reason

to be in a bad vibe … my heart was

smiling and my soul fulfilled.

This love was like a shade in the

harsh summer months on the vineyards

in Stellenbosch. I was on a

personal all expenses paid cruise

of the Caribbean! I walked tall and

felt 10 feet tall. I was invincible in

the battle of Troy!

Then reality sunk in so coldly and

uncompromising, not concerned

with the wave of powerful emotion

I felt. In a matter of an hour, I saw

my incredible bouquet of love

whither right in the middle of spring!

I felt breathless, I had a sharp pain

in my stomach, I tried not to cry but

the tears were there just flowing

down my rosy cheeks. They

wouldn’t stop so at some point I let

out a harrowing scream because it

felt like the world had come to a

shattering end and I was not prepared.

I felt weak without this feeling,

I vowed never to let another

have that part of me. I refuse to fix

it - it is perfect in its broken state. I

have swept up the pieces and put

them in my special box of memories

and carried on as if it never happened

but the thing is I can’t play

the pretend game everyday. There

will be days when I look back and

feel the love and the cold stare of

heartache at the same time and I will

again crumble.

Nobody ever prepares us for heartache;

no one certainly ever told me

how to handle it.

Love comes easy, staying in love

is rather another story. We are often

told that love can weather any storm

but really we discover the contrary,

we learn that love is easily custom

made into wants and needs of the

people who are in the relationship.

We dream of a selfless love yet practice

the direct opposite of a love that

is filled with doubts and no beliefs,

a love that is selfish. I want to experience

the unconditional love that

knows no distance nor time, the love

that heals and repairs, a love that will

build me up and encourage me to

face my fears … a patient love that

will see no end. Perhaps a deep and

profound friendship is what we seek

at the end … somebody who is not

there to judge us but to accept us

even when it hurts to accept some

of us, somebody who will look you

in the eyes and say, “If you are willing

to go through this fire, I’ll go

through it with you”. This type of

love is not an illusion-I believe it

exists it is just that we settle for what

comes close to it (and that is ok) and

often times we are too scared to love

so hard and we have many excuses

as to why we cant love so hard and

strong.

I’ve seen, touched, felt and tasted

this sweet fountain of pleasurable

love. I’ve lay next to it, looked it in

the eyes, held its hand and tried to

find ways to perfect myself to be

more for it. In trying to perfect my

ways I realized that this love loved

me just as I were, that this love only

wanted me to grow and find myself

in my own path and time. This love

was content with the human being

that I am and was looking forward to

my journey of self discovery. Then

did it slip away? Because heartache

finds you no matter what high you

are on.-smile.

The thing about heartache is it

never ceases to be painful or hurtful

no matter how thick your skin is or

how much of it have you had. Losing

a loved one either through death

or a broken relationship is painful,

even if you invested as little as possible

time in that particular relationship.

Pain is pain; hurt is hurt even

in its various degrees. Just like anger.

We tell ourselves that it doesn’t

matter even if the man or woman

you are with walks out of your life

and decides that your relationship

isn’t worth his or her energy anymore,

we continue to fool ourselves

that we are stronger than that, that it

will be just dirt of our shoulder and

we willfully move on unto the next.

Moving on is possible in time yet

I’ve come to learn that if you really

and truly and deeply held the

other party close to your heart, and

you were determined to be your

best so that they may have the best

then you pain will surely be unimaginable

and time may seem like

a curse. The truth is when you find

somebody who isn’t looking for

you to be perfect, who loves you

past your pain, emotional, physical,

psychological and spiritual

scares-that’s the person who is your

worth your last dime!

So, listen carefully to what a person

says they want. If you do not

feature on their “want” list, save

yourself the time and some degree

of pain and keep stepping. yeah I

know it hurts and its hard to let go

of somebody you are in love with

but perhaps one day they will return

to you, if it was meant to be.

*wink*